Dance Belt

It would be awesome if lying wasn’t bad because then I could tell you that this is not a man thong. I guess I could technically say that it’s a “dance belt,” but you wouldn’t know what the heck I was talking about unless you’ve visited this incredibly informative websiteSPONSOR! Not really, but wouldn’t that be hilarious if a men’s ballet website sponsored this blog? Back to the thong! Unlike the items I’ve already chosen to kick off this blog, this is not something I keep around for the memories–this is something I found hidden deep in the pile of things from my adolescence that would break my soul if anyone found out I had; nestled right next to my first mix CD (to be discussed tomorrow). My dilemma is simple: I couldn’t throw away the man thong and risk someone seeing it in the trash so I kept it buried under stuff I wouldn’t touch for years and years, but then on the first day of this year I decided to start a blog to get rid of all the crap I’ve kept and don’t need anymore, which lead me to tonight when I opened Pandora’s cardboard box of my own history, inside of which I stumbled upon this utterly shameful garment. Instead of burying it even further in an attempt to forget about it only to go through this same process all over again in another couple years, I decided it was time.

Let me just say right now, I didn’t buy this because I wanted it; I was forced. I’ve wanted to play Javert in Les Miserables ever since I learned of the character’s incessant search for the definition of truth and justice–also because I learned  not all musicals require men to wear tights. In order to prepare myself for the eventual role, I decided to audition for some musicals. I got into one and I even got a solo, but I found out later that my character had to wear tights, and in order to wear tights I had to wear a man thong–I mean a “dance belt”–because ultimately the discomfort issued by the constant wedgie would be nothing compared with the discomfort I would have felt if hundreds of people stared at my crotch the whole solo.

So let’s call this a preemptive strike–a way to for me to be at peace with the man thong so I can finally throw it away. That way if anyone finds it in my trash I’ll be able to say, “I’m aware of how awkward this is. See, look at this blog I wrote last night. I’ve already made jokes about it.” Self-deprecation defeats humiliation, right? Right? This is like emotional rock-paper-scissors. Humor beats humiliation which beats heartache which beats humor, although I don’t think it really works like that, but with rock-paper-scissors if think about it, paper covering rock? I mean come on, what good does that do anyway? In reality though, I shouldn’t be worried about whether or not people judge me, I should be worried about the creepers digging around in my trash.

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~ by russell jander on January 24, 2012.

11 Responses to “Dance Belt”

  1. Wow, you have invented a perpetual motion machine. “Humor beats humiliation which beats heartache which beats humor” around and around, faster and faster.

    There used to be quite a lot of ballet on British TV (probably not cool enough now, so they don’t show it) and I recall squirming as my parents spoke in fairly obvious code about men in tights.

    Humor beats humiliation which beats heartache which beats humor…

  2. I was laughing the entire time.. great post 🙂

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog Onelifethislife.
    Love your post! Very funny!

  4. I know you think you’re brave admitting to this, but you’ve photographed it on a table…
    I get that you photograph everything on the table…..but you could stand on the table……In the man thong…
    Don’t forget..”Humour beats humiliation”.

    (Don’t tell anyone but I had something like this in purple, and I wore it on a beach).

  5. OMG!!! This is awesome! And FUNNY!! Right now, I needed funny. My nana has been very sick and I am taking care of her. I really needed something to ‘lighten’ my day… thank you!

    “Self-deprecation defeats humiliation…” Yeah, we’ll go with that. 😀

  6. Stuart does make a very good point…. *wink*

  7. I think you could have modestly modeled this by putting it on your head to show it on this post. My husband used to make the kids laugh (and me too) by walking out of the bedroom with his undies on his head.

  8. So glad you found me so I could find you- hysterical entry and super-awesome 365-purge idea to boot.

    . . . I might have to follow suit.

  9. XD oh Was not expecting that. But you are very good at writing entertaining pieces!
    Also that is an amazing idea. I would give it a try but I don’t even own that many things [maybe in clothes but still].

  10. […] in my rationality should’ve been destroyed a long time ago, like when I told you about the dace belt–but don’t lose faith based on the fact that I have an open, six-year-old  bag of potato […]

  11. I have several dance belts. Although, I guess the embarrassment is lost on women. Doesn’t stop the creepers though 🙂
    Funny post!

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